Happy New Year!!

Well it's a new year so I figure I should post...I know it's been a very long time since I last posted but too many things got in the way. This is going to change with the new year. While I don't necessarily believe in New Year's Resolutions, I always break them anyway, I do believe that it's time for me to take more time for me...and not just be somebody's someone all the time.

I think it will help me clear my head and feel better in general which I have to thank my hubby and a dear friend help me realize it. I plan on reading more this year and not just about specific topics as the issues surrounding my daughter or my health, but actual fiction. I'm taking baby steps to do this and starting with a book that I read in high school so I already know how it ends.

Money is still very tight for us and we're going to try to save as much as possible for when my husband's unemployment runs out we'll be somewhat ok.

Going to work harder than ever to help my daughter get up to grade level and still be happy. She needs to come out of her room and be a part of society and I'm going to win this battle. She is a very bright girl who just has several sensitivities that I need to help her work through.

Right now I'm just enjoying the music that is playing over my Pandora player and trying to decompress from the holidays as well as get a little laundry done.

So on that note I'm going to close and enjoy my afternoon...
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    relaxed relaxed

long time no post

It's been a crazy 6 months or so. Life has been interesting to say the least and I am getting through it as best as I can. Just hope the economy changes for the better than I think we will be just fine.
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    exhausted exhausted

sooo tired....

I am so tired but still have so much to do. Seems like all week I'm just at work and then the weekends all I want to do is catch up on sleep and spend time with my hubby and daughter. By the time I stop to catch my breath for a second, it's Sunday night and time to get ready for another crazy week. I'm not complaining for I know people have it much worse in this world, but I just want a few minutes to myself that I can just breathe. I know my hubby needs the same thing and I do try to give it to him. I know he has trouble sleeping at night so he often naps for a bit when he gets home during the week. I guess I'm just wondering when my nap time is. I know I'm sounding like a spoiled brat right now but I need to get this out and just bitch for five minutes...I want to be able to open my eyes one morning and have everything in it's place, my daughter listen to me the first time and my husband to say I love you without me having to say it first. I want to be able to come to work with a clean desk first thing in the morning. Now I have to admit, my desk at work is fairly organized but if you think about it we spend more hours awake at the office than at home with our families. This is another sad thing about our society. Family is very important to me. I was once asked what I would do if I only had one more day to live. My answer is to spend it with my family telling them how much I love them and will miss them.

OK, well thank you all if you've read this and listened to me bitch. Like I said, I know people in this world have it much worse off than I do so I don't complain and keep it all bottled up inside. I guess tonight my cork had to blow and I didn't want to take it out on my husband who is more stressed out than me.

Thank you all.
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    tired tired

Crazy busy weekend...

Well I've been out trying to raise autism awareness this weekend. I'm hoping it helped a little bit. I'm really exhausted, but it's a good exhausted. My hubby was a champ this weekend taking care of our daughter and he even finished the laundry for me. It was so nice to come home and not have to see the two piles I left on the floor. Next weekend is his completely. It's the least I can do.

Well I'm off to get my sweet girl ready for bed...and then I think I'll be next if I can fall asleep.

will she ever sleep?????

My daughter has become the energizer bunny lately. I don't think she'll ever sleep again. And when she doesn't sleep, I don't really sleep. Luckily I can stay in my bed now but I don't sleep just in case she decides to get herself into trouble. She's been up since 1:30 am today and got up about 3 am yesterday.

These are the times that I really hate autism. I love my daughter and wouldn't trade her in for the world though. Her ability to tell me why she can't sleep will come in time. Then, I might be able to help her.

Can't write long today as I am going to help with a fundraiser for autism today, then do my usual Sunday chores.

It's finally Friday...

unfortunately I can't sleep in much tomorrow. Seems like the next few weeks are going to be crazy between my group, my daughter, work. I don't know when I'll have time to just relax. Oh wait, it will be when I die. Great another 50 some odd years of craziness. I guess I just started feeling old when I couldn't get around on my own two feet last week. I managed to get around with crawling but at the same time, I felt really helpless especially during the time between my husband leaving for work and my parents showing up. It wasn't a long time, but I kept thinking how will I take care of my daughter if something bad happens. I really felt helpless. I wouldn't have been able to make her anything to eat, get her to school, or even leave the house quickly if there was a fire. Luckily none of those things happened but it has made me think about how I need to make my daughter self-sufficient for when I can't take care of her anymore..

Anyway, tomorrow is my nephew's first baseball game and he is so excited. I'm going to hobble to the game and watch. He's going to do great and learn team spirit at the same time. Hopefully they'll win but I also hope he doesn't become a sore winner.

Well, I've got to go so I can watch this great game tomorrow...

I'm too young to feel this damn old...

Well, I did pull a muscle in my left leg and sprained my right ankle. The doctor still couldn't believe how I did it. Anyway I've been in an air cast for my right ankle for a week and hobbling around. Hubby bought me a cane and I use it when I feel necessary. Tonight I put on a different kind of ankle wrap because that is feeling better. I still am not running marathons, but I can walk if I take it slow. My left leg seems to hurt more but it's because it's been doing more of the work getting me around without much time to heal. The doctor put me on a muscle relaxant but I can only take that when I'm home because it makes me sleepy. Can't fall asleep at work, would be very bad form.

I'm thinking I might even get to take a shower like a regular person now too, standing instead of sitting. I think they should have ankle replacement surgery available. They already do knees and hips, the ankle is just another joint. How hard would it be???

I just want to be 100% again so I can work out again on the Wii Fit. I know it's going to yell at me something fierce the next time I get on, but you don't want to do that while injured. I'm just glad the only steps I've had to climb at home are to get in the house. Thank God for ranch style homes.

Well, I need to start getting my kiddo ready for bed so I need to cut this short tonight.

May all your dreams be sweet.
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    tired tired

3:35 A.M. and I can't sleep

Thanks to a ringing phone about 10:30 last night I can't sleep. The reason, I fell getting to the phone. I think I may have pulled a muscle in my left leg and cracked something in my right ankle because I can't put any weight on either leg. I have the day off today but it was for going to view program choices for my daughter for next year not for going to see a doctor. I took some Advil but it hasn't really kicked in. The nice part about not sleeping is I got the basket of laundry folded so when my folks come over they won't think I'm a total slob. I just need to make sure my bedroom door is closed. Bad enough I'm going to have to call them for help getting Bria to school since I don't think I'll be able to drive. Of course that's just sitting in the car. The actual walking her to the building would be hilarious because I'd be crawling. It's the only way I can seem to get around without it hurting. Good think my knees are ok right now.

Well, I'm going to try to get back to sleep...but I'll just have to get up in a couple hours anyway. Maybe my hubby's motto of I'll sleep when I'm dead is a good one.

brain cramp....

I've been working on IEP goals for my daughter this afternoon and I'm not getting very far except for an argument with my hubby over them. I keep telling him that we need to put in life skill and social goals for her but he doesn't think the school should have to do that. I highly disagree!!! I can't teach her everything, there are just not enough hours in the day but what he doesn't realize is that we're supposed to be a team with the school and I'm trying to do that. She's not at grade level and I don't know how they are going to teach her at the junior high. He has dreams of her getting her college degree and while I hope she can do that, I'm also being realistic and realize that she may only work at the local fast food place or big box store. And you know what, I'm ok with that. It doesn't mean I'm giving up on her because I will never give up on my daughter. That to me is the sign of a bad parent. I will fight to my death to make sure that my daughter gets everything she needs. It may not be pristine new and flashy but it will be the best I can do.

I've been thinking a lot about things I can do to help my daughter out lately. It will be interesting to see all of her test results and what level she's really at. I think it will be quite a wakeup call for my hubby. What we need to do is get her out of her room, now she's not being forced in there and never can come out, she doesn't want to come out except to eat and use the bathroom. Definately think that's adolescence peering its menacing head out saying I'm here and I won't be leaving for quite a while...but it's not helping her on a social level either. I'm guessing she's maybe at a 3-5 year old level socially. She has no friends and I really want her to have friends. I guess that is why I'd really like her to go to the other middle school only because the kids that are at her school that are typical, will be going there. She has a chance of hopefully making friends.

My hubby asked me once if I could get rid of the autism in my daughter, would I do it. The answer is I don't know. As much as I hate autism that afflicts both my daughter and my husband, I love them because of it at the same time. I don't know what Bria would have been like without it. Do I still blame myself for her autism? Sometimes...especially when I'm trying to teach her something for the zillionth time that she just isn't getting. Do I want to cure her of her autism? Not necessarily, I want her to be happy and fufilled in her life just like any mom.

But now I'm going to end this journal entry for the night because a show that I've been waiting 2 weeks to see is on and I don't want to be distracted in my watching. I just needed to get this off my chest tonight so maybe I can get a good night sleep.

Much too young to feel this damn old...

Well, I'm working on her goals in my head and getting no where. I should write them down but I don' think there is enough paper on the planet and for some reason, I can't type them up until they are done. Maybe I just feel more creative on paper for that. I still don't think my daughter is ready for the junior high setting socially or emotionally. And this isn't a case of mommy isn't ready because I am. She's is growing up quickly. There are days when I wonder what happened to my little girl...oh yeah I was at work. Not that I mind working, but maybe I should have worked part time when she was little. I just keep telling myself we needed the money so I was doing a good thing and supporting her so she always had a roof over her head, food in her belly, and clothes on her back.

She's off school tomorrow for Pulaski Day which will make a long day for her grandma. She'll have all 3 kids, my niece and nephew too so I see a drive by coming. My nephew is 5 and is always trying to help Grandma with my daughter which is very sweet and I know he'll be a great help to her when they both get older.

I'm always thinking about when she gets older because I know for now she'll need a guardian, contrary to what my husband thinks. I don't think she'll be able to make medical decisions for herself. I can see her either living with us or possibly in a group home. I think she would do well in a group home. If she were to live on her own, she would most definitely need a roommate. I wouldn't have a problem with that either. Right now, I would just like her to have some friends. The other night I had a dream that she was a typical 11 year old and we were arguing over going to the mall and slumber parties. I would love to have that kind of argument with her someday.

Well, I need to get up and move around because my joints and back are talking to me...I'm just way too young to feel that damn old.